life

I created this space the very day my life changed. The day my youngest child entered this world. My mind was open and confused by so many emotions & I needed a place to vent them, a place I could look back on to remember, because at that moment I didn’t have anyone to remember with me and I was afraid.

since I last posted I’ve come to have the worst months, I thought nothing could beat my emotions of 2017 and when I managed to pick myself up and to try harder, everything came crashing down.

it’s funny how a lot can change over such a short space of time, how things that were once just there and taken for granted can disappear or change to an unrecognizable way almost instantly. My relationship was something I always saw as a constant, relationships aren’t easy, they require work to keep things exciting and to ensure that it’s kept alive. I never expected mine to change so dramatically in such a small space of time.

Babies change people as does a work place that changes a mental state. It is easy to expect support, when you are in a low place after a distressing thing has happened it is easy to forget how another person is feeling, and it is easy to lock yourself up in a negative wrath of emotion. When you come out of it you look back and think you had no support. Maybe you were right or maybe you were wrong. Either way you come out of it thinking and hurting.

It is easy after that for tempers to flare, understanding and making sense of your emotional state is confusing, lashing out, getting upset and looking back is where you can end up. What you never expect is that person who you’ve taken for granted as being the person that WILL always being there, straying away. Whether it is actually cheating or flirting or even a few messages, it will feel as though that person you need has picked up a knife and stabbed you in the chest. And you will wish that they actually did have a knife because it would probably hurt less.

Maybe you can forgive that, and if your relationship has just lost a sense of direction and meaning, it can be easily fixed. But if they don’t give you the help you need, or atleast take you to a place where you can express the negative energy and thoughts, what is there? A home where your thoughts are misunderstood as arguments.

After many broken promises, lack of effort in the right areas, broken trust, lies and the continuation of loniless you slowly feel nothing. That sinking feeling in your chest when you think about a happy memory or sad memory to do with that person disappears to the point where you feel nothing. you care, but you care in a way that you would with any friend. The love is lost and both people need to wake up and realise it.

No matter how long the relationship has lasted, no matter whether a vow has been made, a promise to vow in the future or children welcomed into the world together, you cannot fake it, you can’t continue ‘living’ in a mundane way.

How is happiness achieved and where to go from here?