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Turning one

And just like that my tiny boy is one. I’ve said it before and will always continue to, but parenting and bittersweet and words that fit together well. I feel like the last year has slipped away before I’ve really had chance to grab hold of it. Harvey was wanted so much and he terrified everyone with his dramatic entrance to the world. In spite of that he’s a strong little boy and knows what he wants.

At 12 months he isn’t on the move, he’s following in his brothers footsteps and will skip crawling and go straight into walking. And that is okay, I will never force something that is not natural to him.

I thought by now I would have gotten myself together and I haven’t.

This year has been tough. Tougher than giving birth single handed which I didn’t expect. Is it getting any easier? No. Everyday I have this guilt. Guilt that I didn’t play enough with my boys. Guilt that I’ve used the cry it out method because nothing else works. Guilt that I didn’t comfort my children enough. Guilt for the crappy routine that changes on a daily basis because break downs happen more than I can control.

The last year has been tough but I have a little fight left within me. I love my children more than i could ever express. I miss them when they are sleeping and my heartΒ  always aches to be with them.

Mental health

Mental health is becoming noticed and over the media there are so many articles that try to raise awareness. But let’s be honest, do you really understand?

The thing with mental health is everyone is different. As is mental health.

The last 10 years of my life has opened my eyes up to mental health, a large proportion of it has been with someone with mental health issues. I didn’t see much more than what I was dealing with, but the last year I’ve understood more. I’ve gone from being someone looking at a person with mental health issues, to having my own. Admitting that is hard, but it is a daily battle that I am desperately trying to understand.

I used to look at people and think “they’re a bit weird/mental/crazy” and that’s wrong but yet we have all found ourselves saying those words. We only think that because of the norms and values set in place by society. If you look further into it you may find that yes they do have issues, but why do we have to jump to ‘weird/mental/crazy’? When that person comes up to you and has a long consversation with you & you walk away saying those words. Think. That person you have given your time up for, you’ve made happier, they may have gone home and anaylised mentally the whole consversation, disecting it and reading into every word. They may have gone home happier because they are lonely and it could be the only interaction they have that day. Behind the scenes you do not know, but when you open your mouth and say ‘weird/mental/crazy’ you are knocking that person down.

Have a look around where ever you are and think. Respect the people around you and do what you can to help. You never know what is really going on it that person’s mind, and you never know if you’ll end up there youself.

life

I created this space the very day my life changed. The day my youngest child entered this world. My mind was open and confused by so many emotions & I needed a place to vent them, a place I could look back on to remember, because at that moment I didn’t have anyone to remember with me and I was afraid.

since I last posted I’ve come to have the worst months, I thought nothing could beat my emotions of 2017 and when I managed to pick myself up and to try harder, everything came crashing down.

it’s funny how a lot can change over such a short space of time, how things that were once just there and taken for granted can disappear or change to an unrecognizable way almost instantly. My relationship was something I always saw as a constant, relationships aren’t easy, they require work to keep things exciting and to ensure that it’s kept alive. I never expected mine to change so dramatically in such a small space of time.

Babies change people as does a work place that changes a mental state. It is easy to expect support, when you are in a low place after a distressing thing has happened it is easy to forget how another person is feeling, and it is easy to lock yourself up in a negative wrath of emotion. When you come out of it you look back and think you had no support. Maybe you were right or maybe you were wrong. Either way you come out of it thinking and hurting.

It is easy after that for tempers to flare, understanding and making sense of your emotional state is confusing, lashing out, getting upset and looking back is where you can end up. What you never expect is that person who you’ve taken for granted as being the person that WILL always being there, straying away. Whether it is actually cheating or flirting or even a few messages, it will feel as though that person you need has picked up a knife and stabbed you in the chest. And you will wish that they actually did have a knife because it would probably hurt less.

Maybe you can forgive that, and if your relationship has just lost a sense of direction and meaning, it can be easily fixed. But if they don’t give you the help you need, or atleast take you to a place where you can express the negative energy and thoughts, what is there? A home where your thoughts are misunderstood as arguments.

After many broken promises, lack of effort in the right areas, broken trust, lies and the continuation of loniless you slowly feel nothing. That sinking feeling in your chest when you think about a happy memory or sad memory to do with that person disappears to the point where you feel nothing. you care, but you care in a way that you would with any friend. The love is lost and both people need to wake up and realise it.

No matter how long the relationship has lasted, no matter whether a vow has been made, a promise to vow in the future or children welcomed into the world together, you cannot fake it, you can’t continue ‘living’ in a mundane way.

How is happiness achieved and where to go from here?

Trust

Trust is earned, but what happens when it’s been earnt then lost.

No matter how many times I try to trust the person I love, after the betrayal I’m struggling. Actions such a lying and a new introduction of social media apps that are designed to hide are sending me crazy.

To hear the words ‘bat shit crazy’ over and over when I just need help isn’t helping. For the entire relationship I have understood and supported, been honest and kept everything about me open. No matter what time of day, no what I was doing I was there, if a breakdown happened at 3am I would get my self there.

Not receiving the same support and to be pushed back down consistently leads me to believe the relationship has run it’s course. Do I want that? NO! But I’m running out of fight, my heart keeps breaking and I’m losing my mind. Simply i don’t know who to turn to or who can help me, because the 1 person I know that can help me doesn’t want to be, doesn’t want to try, What ever it is, Simply they aren’t there. And just like over the past year the situation is being ignored until I snap. They’ll snap back and get angry and the cycle carries on.

I never thought I would ever get to this point. For the most part I’ve been pretty strong, yet I’ve never felt more weak in my entire life.

Betrayed

I loved you. I gave up everything for you and I am left lonely and broken. Trust was the basis of our relationship & you broke that. Without trust what’s left?

For what has started as a bad year it isn’t getting any better. Instead I’m looking around me at what others have achieved, at other people around me going from happiness to happiness, strength to strength. I don’t know if I have it in me to fake that happy face I’m so accustomed to doing.

I don’t know where to go from here and it is not a decision I want to make. Having 0 people to talk to makes the situation worse. 0 people because I put my efforts into you and our relationship and left them behind. Saying I love you just isn’t enough anymore. Actions speak louder than words and your actions don’t show it.

Right Now I need someone to give me the answer because I’m scared of making the wrong choice.

πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”

Lonely

Emotions after giving birth just never stop. Add that to days, weeks, months and what will turn into years of looking after tiny humans. But what happens when you feel lonely and unsupported.

Lonely and unsupported is the place I’m in right now, so much so that writing on here is about the only relief I can get right now.

Spending every day with very little/no adults to talk to is isolating, I’m finding myself at the point where I am making my self worse and isolating myself more. I go out to the the school runs and to the supermarket and that is it. I’m having doubts as to whether I am doing right by my children – my 7 month old to be more to the point. He hasn’t seen the world in the 7 months he has been here, he hasn’t seen another baby, he hasn’t experienced many things that a child should of his age and that’s because of me, he only knows our house, the car, the supermarkets and the school playground.

I don’t know what my future holds, at the moment I am existing and I don’t understand why or how. This feeling of loneliness is crippling and knowing I should have support around me is hurting. I feel so secluded that I’m feeling forgotton about. If I moved away, ran away would anyone even notice?

The one person I can talk to about these things either listens and ignores the situation either because they don’t know how to help me or don’t care enough, don’t have the time or care more about how they are feeling. I’ve spent so many years caring for other people and now I need the support it isn’t reciprocated. I’ve wasted my life and until I can find a way out I will continue to do so.

I’m in limbo of what is the right thing to do. No one is there to give me the answer and I need asap because I can’t do it anymore.

Goodbye2017

A year is just numbers right? I’m not ready to let go yet. I’ve been feeling pretty good just lately which is why I’ve been pretty absent from here. But with the thought of a new year starting and more people expecting me to have gotten over it, it’s become hard.

I’ve learnt over the last month or two to talk about what happened with Harvey’s birth, but with me not being close to any one other than family it’s come out in a factual way of ‘i gave birth to my prem baby in the bath at home, but it’s fine I’m pretty cool about it’ way. When that couldn’t be further from how it is. For most I guess it’s a natural before the way society became the way it was thing. But society is the way is it and it’s hard. I gave birth 7 weeks early and on my own. I bonded with my baby this time for an hour before I had to hand him over to be cared for. Everything was harder. I had so much mum guilt for Ralf. One minute it was a normal day, there was no talk of a baby arriving yet. But next minute he was a big brother, The attention taken away from him, his parents stressed, upset and struggling to understand. Him being passed from pillar to post, dragged to the hospital and being told to sit silently and behave, but why. Not having that alone time with mummy and daddy and not fully knowing why. He’s done great and we are all so lucky in so many ways. We have two very happy and healthy children. We are lucky that they both have done so well despite being born prematurely. Tonight has been a mixture of emotions and every post has been written in a different way, because how I feel shifts every moment. 2017 – just numbers. Whether it takes me longer to get over things or not, 2018 is just another year in our short lives.

Birth is hard but what about after?

There is no doubt thay being pregnant and giving birth is hard. Those things are known from the minute you get a positive result on a pregnancy test.

But what about the bits no one talks about?

The emotions after having a baby are a crazy whirlwind. It takes a long time for the to settle. And even then they won’t settle to what they were previously.

After having both my children my confidence has been shattered. I’ve hid behind my children as security blankets so the focus isn’t on me. Meeting new people is hard, I’m naturally a chatterbox but since having children it has become a way to hide or to make my self feel comfortable. When I get home I replay the event and realise I probably look like a complete idiot that makes 0 sense. It’s hard. I am in this world of other mums since Ralf started school and they are lovely. Every parent I have met has been so nice, but then I remember I’m the youngest parent in the school and wonder what they think. I judge myself on a daily basis, but generally don’t judge others. But what if they judge me.

For the first time I went out with other mums for a coffee, I sat there and they made me feel comfortable, they treated me like they did everyone else. But I didn’t feel comfortable I felt like a child every time I opened my mouth. I felt like a silly little girl who should be playing with dolls not real babies. When will this feeling end? When can I start to feel like the age I am, Not the age I look.

And it got hard again….

Harvey is 6 months old. And I cannot cope.

I’ve spent 6 in a blur. I’ve been trapped by emotion and feeling that I cannot control and it is on going.

Weaning – a difficult process for many, I wasn’t fazed by it, it was exciting and I got see my little baby grow and learn. The reality is it’s not as easy as it was with Ralf. He can’t handle thicker textures or even the tiniest of lumps. I look back at Ralf at the same age and he was moving on to finger foods, Harvey is no where near that stage yet. It feels as though I can’t do it.

Breastfeeding – the hardest decision I’ve made to date. Gradually we are stopping and I’m in two minds about it. It’s a good thing, we can figure out a routine and play time can be more structured to bring out the best developmentally. The bad thing, it’s playing too much with my hormones and emotions. My baby doesn’t need me as much, he is becoming less of a baby and growing into an independent boy. This is becoming harder because the bond we have is so strong and I feel like I haven’t had the time to understand everything – how quick he arrived, the way he arrived, the time in scbu, him coming home. It feels like too much.

Sleeping. In the new year his little bed beside mine will be gone. I don’t be able to look over to see him peacefully sleeping because he will be an a cot in his brother room. It hurts so much to make this transition and i don’t know how much longer I can stay strong enough to put the ‘I’m doing fine, I’m happy’ face. I’m not even sure I’m good at it anymore. I’m falling apart and I feel so lonely. Tom is working all of the time, and when he is home he is tired. I can’t remember the last weekend day he had off….

Life is going on around me and it feels like I’m stood still watching what is happening around me. For the first time since Harvey was born I had a bath. A small thing for some, but a huge thing for me. I don’t know how I feel. But I’m trying my hardest to move on and to live.

Post natal anxiety?

Is it a thing?

First the first time ever, I ventured out to a big shopping centre around 30 miles away from home, alone. Well I had Harvey with me, but essentially alone. The reason was to pick a parcel up from mamas and papas, the closest mamas and papas to me. Did I think it was a problem when I ordered? No. I though it would be great to be out and about & I could do some shopping or window shopping.

The reality. I have never felt so self conscious or anxious. I didn’t go much further than mamas and papas. It felt hard to breath, I got warm, really warm, my heart starting to beat fast and a wave emotion fell over me, and I had to leave. A huge place felt so small, and I felt trapped. These feelings are new to me, and it’s confusing? Is it possible for children to cause this to happen!?